24 days ago, my son was brought into the world and the life I once knew ended. Since then, a new life has emerged. An existence of diapers, 3:00 AM feedings, and unheard of responsibility. It’s been an eye opening few weeks.
In honor of my first Father’s Day, here’s 24 realizations after a mere 24 days of being a daddy.
1. Hospital nurses are God-sends, especially when they whisk your sobbing little one to the nursery so you can get some Z’s.
2. Every pre-baby plan goes out the window the minute he fusses for no reason.
3. I’ve written an album’s worth of late night soothing songs, including such hits as “The Swaddle Waddle”, “Sleepy Time, All the Time”, and “Ooochy Oochy”.
4. Listening to Paul Simon seems to calm him down.
5. Watching highlights from the Stanley Cup Finals doesn’t.
6. There’s no feeling more helpless than watching your wife try to breastfeed at 3:00 AM, knowing full well there’s nothing you can do to help.
7. My relationship with the female nipple has been forever and irrevocably changed.
8. Every baby book condemns the others as instructions from Satan.
9. Regardless of the issue, every baby book says the same thing. “Don’t worry. He’s growing horns? That’s perfectly normal!”
10. Parents turn into European soccer hooligans when defending their parenting strategy.
11. Farts are funny again.
12. Getting your baby to burp feels like winning the Indy 500.
13. Doing “normal” things like going to work while my wife stays home with the baby fills me with immeasurable guilt.
14. Despite being the size of a loaf of Wonder Bread, he has the grip of a professional wrestler.
15. Based on much they eat, a baby’s internal makeup is 87% stomach. #science.
16. Three days in I said, “He just pooped into my hand.” Never thought I’d say that sentence.
17. I’d giggle too if I could freely pee on my parents while being changed.
18. As I’m writing this, my wife brought him in to chew on my nose. Those moments have become the highlight of my day.
19. When he’s crying uncontrollably at 1:00 in the morning, he brings out in the absolute worst in me.
20. When he finally sighs and settles down on my shoulder, he brings out the absolute best in me.
21. I’d jump in front of a train for him.
22. I’d highjack a train for him.
23. I can’t wait to take him on a train and go on amazing adventures.
24. He’s my son and always will be.